23Caroline

Caroline

Do you have an older sibling?

If you do, then you understand how fascinating they can be.

Caroline was — and is — awesome. Smart, capable, and able to do so many things that did not come easily to me.

We were opposites in many ways.

When I was younger, I wanted to be like her. It took me years to discover my own uniqueness. Even so, in my eyes, Caroline has always seemed quietly perfect.

She excelled in high school — not only academically, but socially as well. She was a cheerleader and was voted “Most Likely to Succeed.” Languages came easily to her, while I struggled. I even had to drop Latin because I just couldn’t “get it.”

In school, she was a model student. She sat still, followed the rules, and earned A’s in conduct.

I, on the other hand, had a hard time sitting still. My report cards often reflected that — C’s, D’s, and even F’s in conduct were not unusual for me.

As children, we admired each other in our own ways, but we were not especially close.

She could be a bit standoffish, and I — being the typical younger sibling — had a gift for interrupting her and getting a reaction. As a toddler, I would reach for her, touch her, grab at her. As I got older, boredom would lead me to find new ways to disturb her.

I remember brushes and other small objects being thrown in my direction in response to my efforts.

Even then, we were in our own orbits.

Caroline went on to excel in areas that were more difficult for me — being a mother, cooking, entertaining. These things seemed to come naturally to her.

Now, with time and maturity, something has softened.

I am deeply grateful for her.

I enjoy the time we spend together. Her mannerisms remind me so much of our parents. There is something comforting in that — something familiar and enduring.

I no longer try to provoke her.

Now, I simply appreciate her — for the beautiful person she is.

Once, I reached for her

to be seen.

Now, I sit beside her

and see.

Not someone I had to become,

but someone I was lucky

to grow beside.